Baby Tracy, I love you.

Baby Tracy, I think you will be a boy, and I want to call you TJ, but that would be so unfair of me if you turn out to be a girl. I have already got some Winnie the Pooh stuff for your future room, and your Daddy has decided you will be a Cubs fan, and is planning on getting you the newborn package from cubs.com. We have even decided it would be okay if your Uncle Bobby wants you to wear Colts gear. No on the White Sox gear, but "okay" on the Colts. Your Grandpa made us cry today when he told us your Grandma Jeanie bought you your crib. I'm sure you will be a bad ass like your father and learn how to break free from "jail" at a young age. I just hope your not too rough on your momma. We saw you yesterday, your little hands and feet were so adorable, and you had your mommas big head. Whatever happens, I hope you are very healthy. I love you so much little one! I heard your heart beat, and I cried with happiness, because for the first time I heard a life inside of me. Im so worried about being a great mom for you, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure you have what you need my baby. Daddy feels the same way. He loves you with all his heart.

A New Path I Go...

Down this road I go,
It is so familiar to me,
I've been here before I know,
This time will be different, you'll see.

A new outlook on life,
A new lease on the old,
No more drama, no strife,
Just fitting in with the fold.

Changing who we are,
Won't change what will be,
Life is so bizarre,
I'm sure you agree.

Love in my heart,
Peace in my mind,
I go forth to do my part,
I hope you do so in kind.

So lets just live life and love,
Lets just all get along,
Because when push comes to shove,
Family will always hold strong.

Blog: Regrets and Stress

Lately I've had alot of regrets, and alot of stress. It's interfering with my sleep schedule, I find myself tossing and turning all night with these thoughts racing through my mind.

My first stressful thing would be my not knowing how to drive. Sounds silly for me not to be driving at 26, but I've kept this fear of driving, and I know I need to get over it. Also, I have to wait for my tax return so I can get a used car. There are other things I need to do with this tax return, but thats the most important. I also need a cell phone, especially in todays society.

My Grandma is in the hospital, which makes me regret not taking the time to get to know her, or just pick up the phone and call her from time to time. I only ever called when I needed to get in touch with my mom. Now that she is dying, its eating me up inside.

I'm also unemployed, I lost my job at Pilot. They kept dicking me around with hours til I finally missed a three hour shift at midnight and they fired me. Oh well, I say to myself, but in reality I needed what little money that provided. Hopefully I find gainful employment soon!

College, pfft. This is stress on my plate too, because I am having a VERY difficult time trying to decide on which college to attend. I was weighing the Art Institute for Culinary, and ITT Tech for computers. Both VERY different spectrums, but both I love very much.

Don't even get me started in the relationship department! Right now these other issues are on my mind, and fitting time in for romance is very hard to do! I'm so confused lately. *sigh*

Thats all for now. Peace, Love, and Gatorade.

Grandmother...

Feelings unspoken, emotions down the drain,
How did we get here, who is to blame?
No amount of apologies can hide my pain,
I wish I had more time, do you wish the same?

We barely know each other,
In fact I doubt you have a clue,
How much I really care Grandmother,
Just how much I love you, I do!

You mean the world to me,
Even if I haven't expressed it to you,
In these last hours, days, weeks I want you to see,
That I love you with every fiber of my being.

So if it is time for you to go,
I hope that you will always know,
That I will hold you in my heart til we meet again,
Sipping tea in our angelic robes in Heaven!

Obstacles...

I'm stuck in a situation,
Where I lack control.
Afraid of confrontation,
So here I dwell.

I'm stuck here,
Nothing can be done,
I'm starting to fear,
My thoughts weigh a ton.

My burdens overcome me,
Nothing I can do.
No possibilities I can see,
An escape route I wish I knew.

What will become of me?
Nothing until I break free.

Every time...

Every time I express how I feel,
I find that no one cares.
So I sit here trying to deal,
Crying my eyes out.

Everytime I try to find myself,
I find that no one cares.
So I put my feelings on the shelf,
Hoping someone will notice me.

Every time I try to reach out,
I find that no one cares.
They think I'll always be devout,
Slowly I slip away.

Every time I reach from the grave,
I find that no one cares.
Which is truly sad...
Because it is me they could have saved.

Looking Forward...

Looking forward I see love,
Love as beautiful as the dove,
None around me shall despair,
There is nothing but happiness everywhere.

This place is familiar to me,
Recognition as far as my eyes can see,
Not a tear of sadness in anyone's eye,
Not a note of contempt nor a stressed sigh.

We just love and enjoy each other,
Every sister, father, brother and mother,
Rejoicing all the same,
Praising in Heaven, in Jesus' name.